My previous bosses

So I did say in a previous post how I would tell you all about my previous bosses, and if I am gonna say I will do something 50% of the time I will!

So way back when, when I was just 16 I decided to get a job, well not so much decided as, I kinda wrote some checks out from my fathers check book and cashed them, so I needed to pay my parents back - don't judge I was 16 and gay and living in a small town, we all need some Prada in our lives! Anyway I went to the local fast food restaurant, which I shall not name but it was run by a corporate clown who still makes me petrified as night, I never got to meet said clown, but his face was on many, many walls in this restaurant (as they liked to call it).
So I got the job, and was not very good at the whole cooking fried products etc, so they tried me on the tills, this was not really my forte either, as I found I liked taking the customers money but could not really grasp the idea of giving them their fried goods.
So I was eventually put on to what they called Lobby duty - basically it was cleaning the tables, I noticed this was where they put people who could not speak English or were in some way less able than others, to put it politely.
I was on here with another girl who similar to me, could not really be bothered with the cooking or serving of fat people. So we just sort of hung out by the bins and chilled, we had something called a lobby cupboard where napkins, straws and mops were kept, and we would take it in turns to go down and pretend a customer had spilt a drink, or knocked over their fries and then stand in our cupboard eating and drinking all day.
Our boss was a little Spanish Chica called Rosie, and that bitch was fierce! She had skin like an ape and lipstick like Paris Hilton, and was the same height as a 7 year old child, when she was actually around 60. If you have ever been to Spain and seen those women standing outside their houses with black hair and shawls draped over them that was Rosie.
Rosie it seemed knew 3 words in English and these were "Mop da floor!"She would balk these words at everyone, including on occasion customers. I always liked Rosie, with her cute little bun, and her gazillion stars strapped to her name badge, I felt she was a bit of a gay icon in waiting. When I went to University, I don't think she ever even noticed I had gone, I went in there on a break from University and she asked me to "Mop da floor!" and assumed I still worked there. I guess all white, british kids looked the same to her.

Whilst in University, I actually got transferred to another of those restaurants, and worked for relatively normal people, which was quite disappointing, I almost wanted them to be freaks there, but I liked the management and was actually friends outside of work with them. To be honest my University years were spent not really ever going to uni and working there most of the time - really do not know how I ever passed, but I did!

So I graduated and thought that the world of fashion would open up to me and embrace my new qualifications and spirit, but it never did. So I took a role in a well known department store, working to start with on the childrens wear section, here was a woman who was balding and would have been attractive had it not been for her Homer Simpson comb over, but she was nice none the less.
I worked there steadily before being transferred on to Womens wear, here I met one of my closest friends, who we shall call Regina.
We used to kinda just take the piss all day, out of the customers, other members of staff, each other no one was safe. Our boss there was a lady called Mary, and she looked like she was born Mark. She was an amazonian by anyones standards and had legs like a rugby player, with varicous veins to match. She seemed to take a shine to me, and would ask me to help her decide if an outfit looked nice on her, said outfits often showed her legs, which was not something a man of 22 ever wanted to see.
Just below Mary, and just above the height of a Smurf was Sue.
Now Sue was the one who would provide me with the most entertainment and me and Reg with the most jokes. She was around 2 foot tall (slight exageration) with a prominent mole on her face and coffee breath that a maths teacher would have been proud of.
Sue would walk around trying to tell people what to do and failing miserably, she would always designate people areas and then stand around looking like Jimmy Krankeys long lost sister all day.
Every year Sue would go away to Disney World with her husband and 30 year old son, well you can imagine the jokes that me and Reg would have about Sue and her mole on the log flumes, sue and her mole with Mickey and Minnie, the list was endless.
So I got fired from that store after over 2 years, and I will not go into detail yet on why, but will do in later posts when I decide you all love me enough.

So I was unemployed with a useless artsey degree under my belt, when I decided to apply for a role with a catalogue style shop, I was succesfull!
I turned up for work and got to wear a lovely electric blue t shirt, which obviously went with my skin tone (ahem).
This place was full of fucking freaks, kids who had left school at 16, council estate chic at it's best.
The manager had a Farah Fawcett flick and an Anne Widecombe body, but she thought she was divine! Mincing around like she owned the company in her wannabe Chanel jacket, that actually came from Evans. She used to try and join in with everyone's jokes but ended up just stood there feeling awkward, she was not really very interesting and the funniest thing about her was her looks.

So I was then offered a role within an office, while I was serving the recruitment department on the tills, they, I like to think, head hunted me. So I turn up for the interview and get the job. I was not aware this would be a call centre. I was not amused, however this was when I was still smoking, so was rather happy that they had a smoking room, I used to love sitting in a glass room, with my Marlboro Lights, puffing away like there was no tomorrow. If you looked at the room from outside it looked like the smoke monster off of Lost had set up home and that was his lounge.
The manager here was basically a drag queen disguised in an 80 year old womans body, she was amazing, she would sit in her office, voice like Phyllis off Coronation St, and the face and body of Bet Gilroy, and she would wear ACTUAL Chanel. I can't recall her name but I was quite taken with her. Little did I know that this job was only temporary, so I once again found myself unemployed - this seemed to be becoming a regular occurance.

So cut to me, having a few temping positions, not really being bothered and plodding along with my life, when I decided to take a job with a major gas and electricity company, again in a call centre.
This was a job that amused me greatly, not only for the fact that at least once a week, I would have a tranny call me up in a very deep voice to tell me they were in fact a Ms and not a Mr. I knew the mute button was there for a reason.
So the boss here was an interesting little thing called Natalia (fake name - I still know of this one).
She would wear, what she herself described as, Hooker boots, and had a lovely tide line around her moon shaped face where her make up would never meet her neck. Her eyeshadow was black and made her look like she always had 2 black eyes. (If anyone would like to really know what she looks like please google the drag queen Miss Kitty of Cardiff, Wales and that is basically her twin). Well Natalia it seemed enjoyed a drink, more than anything in the world. And so do I, this led to a friendship developing (if you can call drinking buddies a friendship) and many drunken nights entailed. The bonus of this was that if I was late it would be because I was out with Natalia and she would be late as well. She would often stay over my house, and would often go into work for 3-4 days in the same make up and her thick black hair hanging by her moon shaped face.
she would occasionally change her clothes - if she had time to go to Primark that is.
She would then also get high street vouchers for us, so that we could go and but wine from a local supermarket so we could go out that night.
I was eventually moved away from this boss, as she was having a detrimental affect on everyone who she went out drinking with and eventually left this company to go on to work for a mobile phone company.

Here I had a boss, who I was convinced was Gay, but he is still deeply in the closet and refusing to admit to himself that he is a raving poof.
He had no management skills and could not control me, I was still pretty wild at this point even though I was 23 nearly 24.
I was eventually fired from here, after a heavy drinking session, I got into work on time, but I had an evian bottle filled with red wine at my desk, and was very very drunk. The thing was they never even noticed that I was drinking it until I was on my last glass of red!
So I was suspended for 2 weeks, and went on holiday to Barcelona, when I came back I was fired.

The next job I had was nothing to write home about, and when I acquired £1000 I decided to quit, after being told by my chinese boss, upon hearing my ring tone, " I thought it would have been Boy George or the Pet Shop Boys!" How I wish I could have said something racially insensitive but alas I was not quick enough. Upon gaining the £1000 I thought I was rich beyond my wildest dreams, and eventually spent this within 2 days.

Shit I needed a job.
So I applied to work in a place that was a marketing company, basically doing a little promotional work for several companies, this was one of the best jobs I ever had, because the people I worked with were amazing, but also 1 of the worst due to no holiday pay or sick pay.
So the boss here was called Tammy and had a couple of sidekicks, called Jess aka Moonpig and Annie aka the truffle snuffler. Tammy was a raving dyke, who walked like she had rickets and had teeth bugs bunny would have been envious off. She always had a little kink in her bob, that irritated the fuck out of me, I wanted to much to straighten her hair that I think I developed a twitch.
So Moonpig tried to be everyone's best friend, backing caked every 2 minutes, it looked like she ate them every 2 minutes also. She is the type of fat friend that all skinny pretty girls have to make them look better on nights out. She used to wear some shocking make up, green eyeshadow, slathered all over her face. And her voice irritated me so much it is unbelievable.
The truffle snuffler was from some foreign country, I believe Norway and spoke with a stupid accent and walked a bit like a weeble (you remember "weebles wobble but they don't fall down")
she was evil personified and would think she was amazing, when in fact she was far from it.
99% of the people hated her and the remaining 1% hated her after fucking her.
The other management were all pretty douchey, especially one called Matt, who had a face only a mother could love - think sloth from the Goonies with glasses.
I liked 2 of the management who I am still friends with but they were normal, and used to enjoy the odd bit of narcotics along with myself and most of the people there. They know who they are so if they ever read this, hope you enjoy!

I left here and worked in a Limo sales place, the boss used to think he was part of Dragons Den, and once when I was arranging a coach for Duncan Banatynes health club, and they wanted to pay by check, he refused saying he was close personal friends with Duncan and knows he uses credit cards only, even though the health club had advised that they only use check's within the business. He used to drive his shitty sports car up and down outside and all the little chavs in the office would love it. His second in command was a guy called Alex. Alex was a dick of the highest standard, weighing over 20 stone, and professing that he was fit, he spoke an a mockney accent and thought he was the king of the office - he was not, my team leader was a guy called Gavin, and the only other person on the team was his girlfiend Janine. It was the most awkward situation as they argued more than any couple I have ever met.
It is obvious to me that they should not be together but alas as far as I am aware they still are.
I left here after telling them that I was severley ill and could never come back.

And now I am in my current position and have been for over a year, working for Jim, whom I told you about earlier - you know inhales food rather than chews.
I am sat here right now, Jim is on a course, and am bored out of my brains! Surely one day my big break will come and I will work in fashion or the media but until then, I will no doubt keep you informed of the many quirks and strange things that go on in the world of the office, and the many freaks that work in them.
Talking of which there is a guy sat in the same room as me with the most annoying laugh ever, and after 3 months of hearing it I could quite happily smash his head into the photocopier, but as he has just offered me a coffee (every day for a year I have advised I only drink water, but they still all offer me tea or coffee) so I will hold off on the violence for another day.