Life in Cardiff

How I so wish that this was like "Sex and the City", but we are talking about Cardiff, the shitty city.
Well life in Cardiff is never exactly how it seems.
Recently the city had a bit of a makeover, with a new shopping centre and a John Lewis. (But still the homosexual community are mainly unemployed and still wearing Primark?)

This makeover has made the city slightly more preasantable to tourists, and a lot of the valleys lot like to go to Jamie Olivers restaurant of a weekend (not really sure why? Do they think he is in the kitchen cooking? It is a franchise for fuck's sake, you can go to Sainsburys and buy the stuff in jars for a fraction of the cost!) But hey if they want to feel some worth for an afternoon, go ahead, in the meantime all the Cardiffians will continue to use Nando's when feeling flash, and chippy alley at other times.

In the many, many bars in Cardiff, you will be greeted by a toilet attendant offering to wash your hands, and a lollipop(just what you need when your pissed, a lollipop covered in urine and faeces). The odd thing is, that ALL toilet attendant's are unable to speak correct English, except for my favourite thing any has ever said to me:

"No splash, No gash"

As you can imagine, I was loving this attendant all night, carting people in and out, to hear his little phrase, like he was a toy and I was pulling his string on his back to make him talk.
Another odd thing is a Clarke's Pie.
Apparently these are world famous (google it) and people come from far and wide to savour these items, I personally have never tried one as I am a Vegetarian, but I will now ask around just for you, so you may know what one is like.
People in Cardiff, love a Clarke's Pie, and Dorothy's fish and chip shop stocks them, and at 3am on a weekend night you will often see girls wearing too tight, too short dresses, covered in fake tan, with their meat head boyfriends wearing too tight too short shirts with fake tan, staggering around with a Clarke's Pie looking like the cast of Jersey Shore.

It seems Cardiff is full of Guido's and Guidette's who just miss out the gym part.
I used to live in an area called Newport Road, just up from there is an area called Broadway (not to be confused with NYC Believe me!!).
This is an interesting area, where you will find public houses containing predominantly white, welsh people listening to reggae music like they are in Jamaica, and take away's where a fight will happen if someone takes the last battered sausage.
You will also stumble across a brothel called Angels, which I assume contains none.
Opposite the brothel, coincidentally is a homeless shelter! From the gutter, and down the drain so to speak.

Also of interest is Ely and Splott, you can put these areas in the same pile really. Full of Jeremy Kyle's next round of guests possibly taking him up to 2013.
The teenagers in Cardiff all seem to think they are from the bronx, and that they are black, when in fact they are whiter than Casper the friendly ghost.

Me and Oli were walking from his apartment a few weeks ago, when we passed the most amazing man, he was wearing what can only be described as a Del Boy Trotter coat. He had more gold jewellery than Mr T and had a cigar and glasses with reaction lenses. This was not just what was amazing, he also sounded like a drag queens bastard child. Well we were in awe!

Cardiff has a few minor celebrities - I am not referring to Charlotte Church here, the majority of the celebrities are homeless or out on day release.
One is a very tall black man known simply as "Ninja", he carries drumsticks with him and plays the many trash cans of Cardiff, like the city is his instrument.
He wears an array of outfits from long black coats, to shirtless with shorts on. You can only really describe him as a tall version of Flava Flav.
Another was the Shakey Hand Man (rip) he would walk around smelling of piss, and looking like aunt sally had rejected his advances, trying to shake your hand.
There was a rumour that he was a millionaire and used to just walk around like that because he was mental - no evidence as yet!

There are the usual people with no teeth, asking for 20p to catch their train home, or to get a train to go to a funeral - while wearing jogging bottoms?!
They seem to have the memory of a goldfish as they ask the same question to the same people day in day out, never changing the story, maybe Cardiff Council hires them and gives them a script that they must never deviate from, very much like the actors in Madame Tussauds.
You never know!

So that is just a small snippet of what Cardiff has to offer, no doubt I will update you on more as the weeks, and months go by.